RESEARCH!

The internet has, from time to time, been called the information superhighway. Or at least it was back in the 90s. But no matter what the name, the internet is still a thing. And it serves a singular purpose: allowing constant unfettered access to pictures, videos and animated GIFs of cats.

There is a secondary “side effect” if you will to this constant feline access. And that is information. Lots of it. More than we could ever possibly need or want. Which is both good and bad. Bad because there’s some scary shit out there. Good because there’s no reason that we can’t find something out. And bad because people still don’t put in the 30 seconds of work it would take to find something out.

The concept of a hoax or rumor is nothing new. And in the days before the intercats it was often hard to get accurate information. But now we have the cat web. And things like Google.

Today I saw a tweet from Tweeter in which the Tweetere tweeted that Starbucks had refused to send some marines some coffee because they did not support the war or anyone having anything to do with it and that people should boycott Starbucks.

I found this to be...unlikely...

A quick Google query indicated that this was, indeed false. The rumor had actually once been applied to Oscar Mayer.

When I was working for Zin someone sent out a company wide email with some kind of PSA about plastic bottles. Something about how looking at them wrong will give your grandmother cancer...or something. But again a quick Googleing showed that it was false, and the professor cited had denied any knowledge of the research, and I think was in an entirely different field.

The point is, boppers, that if something sounds unlikely, inflammatory or downright wrong, you should probably Google it first before you hit "reply all."

Humanity will bring about it's own downfall. They need only wait.

What the Frack?!

I am currently listening to the single most vulgar public radio round table discussion ever. Seriously, I'm no prude but I cannot believe they're allowed to talk about this!

They're talking about public fracking, private fracking, fracking on farms and in towns. Horizontal fracking, vertical fracking, chemical fracking, group fracking.

Holy hell, hydro fracking! I can only assume that is some sort of demonic fracking ritual.

Wow. Just...wow...

I don't fracking know!

"Repent, Harlequin!" said the Ticktockman

So I've been staring at this for awhile. Haven't written anything, until now. But what to write? More on how job searching sucks? How when you upload your resume to a company they don't show you until after you submitted it that they chose to ignore all your formatting and make it a jumbled cluster fuck? (Though I have to imagine that when they actually look at it they download the file...but who knows.) Perhaps I should write about the futility of man and the human condition. Nobody wants to read that. And if you do too bad, because I don't want to write it.

I did apply to some space jobs. And I will apply to more yet. And more after that. Until, until...until...until I get one I guess.

The problem, as I see it, is that there are just not enough hours in the day. Even I (believe it or not) need to sleep from time to time. I find it incredibly annoying, but have come to accept it as an inevitably of the futility of the human condition. If only I didn't have to. I am going to start an online petition to extend days by 12 hours. The work day would have to be 9 hours, but now there are 12 extra hours in the day with which to get things done. This would have economic benefits as well. An entire shift of jobs would be created. Manufacturing production would increase because now there are 12 extra hours each day to produce things. Consumer consumption would increase because now there are 12 extra hours each day to consume things.

Let's be honest though, it would get squandered. Rather than make use of those 12 hours we would just sit on the couch and stare at reruns of SVU and NCIS as the hours tick by and the cuckoo clock cucs another koo. And then we would all come up with that cliched expression, "Holy hell, it's [x] o'clock already? What the hell have I done today?" I hate when people say that. I hate it even more when I say that. Which is all the time.

I have a bizarre obsession with time, though I am rarely on it. I find it difficult not to wear a watch. Not just because, for so long, I got used to having one on my wrist, but more that I don't know what time it is. I don't particularly care what time it is, I just feel compelled to know. This is often misunderstood as a desire to end whatever activity as quickly as possible. While this is often true it is equally as often not. I fully intend on being late to my own funeral. Though that will more than likely be because of bad weather conditions forcing The Knut to delay the launch. He might not though, he might not care. Then again, I see him as caring, not because he wants to launch me into space, but because he doesn't want anyone to say he failed to properly launch a rocket. The Pietras would probably care for the same reason. Toby wouldn't though. Because Toby is a cat. And cat's do not care about space. Cat's cannot comprehend space. Cat's cannot comprehend "outside." They are cats. They comprehend food. And sleep.

The Old Ones eat time. It will not matter then.

A New Solution

I just finished Mass Effect 3. I have no idea why people were complaining about the ending.

The games were utterly fantastic, but I do not think I can ever play any of them again. Not because they weren't amazing, but, as The Pietras put it, "It's over now, and that's how it fucking well happened."

I'll be interested to see what the "additional" ending material is going to be. Not that I think it needs any.

After all these years I can finally give The Knut Mass Effect back.

I...am done.

Four Weddings and a Messy Hotel Room

So here's the situation: You're on vacation with your family. You arrive back to your hotel room in the early afternoon only to discover that the maid has not yet cleaned. Do you A: Call down to the front desk and ask that someone come tend to it as soon as possible? B: Deiced you don't really care because it's not that big a deal? Or C: Flip a shit, order your children out of the "filthy" room and proceed to berate the maid who is in the middle of cleaning another room about how you can't believe that no one cleaned your room, that your family needs the room now, that you stay in hotels all over the world and that this is the first time this has ever happened to you blah blah blah.

I always feel a little weird whenever I cross paths with the maid in a hotel. If I'm in the room when she comes, or if I walk in on her. I don't want to be that creeper that sits in the corner and watches her clean or the asshole that pretends she doesn't exist. It seems to be a loose/loose. Except for Vegas. Then again hospitality in Vegas is completely different from most other places in the country. Hell, most of the time I just leave the "Do Not Disturb" sign up because I really don't care if my bed is made or my towels are changed. Unless I'm there for more than a weekend, then fresh towels are nice because hotel towels never seem to dry properly.

But this woman would not shut up. And her husband and kids had already walked away towards the elevator because they were "going to have to wait in the lobby because the room [was] filthy." I have no idea if she actually called down to the front desk, but judging by the way she kept carrying on, it didn't sound like it. Then the elevator came and we went away from her. Judging by the reaction of the husband and kids, I assume that they're used to this kind of thing happening.

If your hotel room is too filthy to be in after less than a day and you're not a cocaine fueled rock star, you're doing it wrong.

I do like the DC area. I'm reminded of this every time I'm there. Of course it helped that we were the high end part of the Northwest DC area. On our first walk down the street, walking past all the high end shops I was somewhat (justifiably) afraid that K Jo was going to spontaneously burst into debt. She behaved though. I'm thinking that my two main areas to look for work are going to be DC and Seattle. Not writing off anywhere else, just seems like those would be good places to be. Depending on what's available, of course. I've resolved that I'm going to have to find a job first and worry about grad school/Air Force later. There just isn't enough relevant work in the Cleveland area and I feel like I'm falling behind.

But on to the main event!

That's right, all you boppers out there! Pie and Dan are now married! They are now Mr. & Mrs. Dan Marino...or Pie Wiebke? Tom & Jane Evertt? I don't know! Why? Because Dan might have jumped the gun a little and not even let the priest finish before he tried to eat her face. It was cute though so we'll give him a pass on that one.

My mother was so happy/proud that she actually stood up in front of a bunch of people she didn't know and said words. Yes. This happened. The evidence will be presented...NOW

For those of you who don't know, my mother is so adverse to public speaking that she wouldn't even stand up at her own sons murder trial and say "he didn't do it" if that's all that was needed to get the charges dropped. Okay, that's probably not true, but you get the picture.

I also got to have lunch with The Cheese Puff. Though there is no photographic evidence of this because I'm not entirely sure it actually happened. Here's why: Last September The Cheese Puff got married on the outer banks. Flower was unable to attend as she was attending the wedding of a cousin. Alright, these things happen. And we are at that age where weddings just seem to come out of the woodwork so it's not unreasonable to think that there might be one or two conflicts over the years. We had the date for Pie and Dan's wedding awhile ago. And The Puff was excited that she was finally going to get to meet Flower. Until I had to break the news that Flower would be attending another cousin's wedding that same weekend. I am starting to think that one of them doesn't exist. If true this presents some serious issues. Forgetting all the social and medical issues that this might bring up, if true it's an extension I would have to apply to a great deal more than just a single person. What about all the people they know? Their families? People who have met the both of them, yet not seen them together? Sure they've heard about each other, but they've never met, never spoken, and how do I know that when I've shown one a picture of the other that they were just too polite not to mention that there was nothing there, or that the picture was really just me holding an iguana? How do I know?!

The job problem has been solved: Lion and I are going to open an Erotic Space Bakery.

This post to be posted at a later date...

In tribute to a recent passing I have scheduled a post to be posted 14 years, 2 months from yesterday.

Please plan accordingly.

Bourgeoisie and Breakfast Food

Food culture is something I have always been interested in. I really should do more to immerse myself in it. Sometimes I wish I could be like Anthony Bourdain, traveling hither and yon, sampling the delicacies of the world, impressed, confounded, and occasionally enraged by what he experiences whilst designing rockets during layovers. Okay, he probably doesn't do that, but if he were a rocket scientist he probably would. I don't want a TV show.

I find the concept of "breakfast food" to be bourgeois.

The whole idea that there are certain foods that are only to be eaten at certain times, to me, is beyond ridiculous. The only exceptions being custom or ritual for religious, personal, or national reasons. Such as a Seder, Thanksgiving, or the ceremonial 3:45am flapjack at the annual Paul Bunyan festival. Even still, these are not foods that are ONLY eaten on these occasions (my limited understanding of a Seder is that it's common foods eaten in a certain order with prayers, nothing that couldn't or shouldn't be eaten at other times. Anyone may feel free to correct/enlighten me on this).

I take this approach with all my meals, though I believe it to be most apparent at breakfast.

Do I sometimes have eggs for breakfast? Yes.

Do I sometimes have cereal for breakfast? Yes.

Do I sometimes have a hamburger for breakfast? Yes.

As long as you're not eating a tonne of junk all the time, I fail to see why it matters what you eat when you eat. The existence of cucumber sandwiches proves this. A concoction that was developed solely because people had enough wealth to eat it. Does that mean it's wrong? No. Not at all.

The event that was most detrimental to food culture in this country was the 50s. Seriously, go back and look at them. TV dinners, pre-made this, instant that. In an effort to make life simpler we took the challenge out of it. Now, instead of having to put any effort into anything, all Mrs. Beaver had to do was pop a tray in the oven at 350 for 20 mins and before she had time to put on high heals and pearls dinner was coming out of the oven just as Mr. Beaver was walking in the door. And if she were feeling particularly lazy she could just leave it to Theodore!

I have this thought every time I walk down the frozen food aisle at the Fintrools Food Library. Seeing those rows and rows and stacks and freezers full of cardboard flavored frozen TV nonsense makes me wonder just what we as a society have become.

I should clarify that I am speaking of food culture as a society, not an individual. I will be the first to admit I have enjoyed my share of Lean Cuisines and Stoffers Mac n Cheese because mac n cheese is awesome. And on an individual basis, if you need something quick for yourself, that's fine. There are some good tasting microwave meals out there. I am also not trying to describe the whole country under a single "food culture." And I guess it's not the culture that I'm talking about but more the approach. You go to a city, or a country place, and you find someone doing something different, or something "old-school" and it's thought to be this novel thing that everyone is impressed he thought of. I'm not trying to take anything away from the artisan who spent the time to prefect his technique and has graciously decided to share it with the world. Kudos to that guy. I wish there were more of him.

The problem is time. We're all too damn busy. We're all complaining that there's never enough time. But what the hell are we doing? Seriously, next time you complain that there's not enough time, stop and think about what you've been doing for the last two hours. Do you ever hear the Europeans complaining about a lack of time? No. You don't. Because they're too busy complaining about a lack of economy and trying to pretend that the Euro was not a terrible idea in the first place. They're terrified they're going to have too much time.

Some of you may be thinking that if we had a society full of artisan food stuffs that would take away from the effect. I disagree. Look at those food war shows, the one with the two hot dogs right next to each other and a rivalry not just between the stores, but between the customers. How awesome is that? Can you imagine if you had three noodle shops right next to each other? Each one with their own technique, beliefs. I believe that competition inspires innovation in everything including food.

The one benefit that food has over other things is that you don't necessarily have to improve on what's there.

And faster/more efficient isn't always better.

I still believe in all you can eat buffets. Sometimes you just have to eat the hell out of a plate of shrimp.

HA, see?!

Came across this after writing the previous post.

Why Job Searching is the Devil, and Other Stories

Is it just me or is job searching probably the worst thing ever invented? Seriously, I'm pretty sure it is the worst non medical procedure ever. I haven't really even started (again) and already I hate it. Though I suppose we're not talking about job searching here, but career searching. The difference between "Yeah, I can do that," and "Yeah, I WANT to do that." Sometimes you find one, sometimes the other. Occasionally you find both. Hell, even back when there WAS an economy job searching sucked. Why can't some benevolent fairy godmother flutter her way down, wave her magic wand and turn the pumpkin into a spaceship and and the mice into an Alcubierre drive? Then we fly off to Betelgeuse, prop up the Hrung, and get back in time for supper. Though let's be realistic here, we wouldn't come back.

But, back to short brass nails with circular, sometimes domed, heads. Job searching is teh suck. And then the interviews. OH GOD THE INTERVIEWS. There are two types of interviews: the ones where you know they're considering you and/or you know you're getting the job, and the ones where you know you don't have a chance in hell. Oh, three: the ones where the interviewer looks at your resume and ACUTALLY says, "I don't see a lot here that's relevant to what we do." And then they give you a pop quiz. I whole heartedly regret not just standing up and walking out of that interview without saying anything. And then there are the interviews where they keep calling you, "Tell me a little about your background...wow, sounds like you have some good experience...what we're really looking for is to hire a couple entry level engineers." Translation: "Tell me a little about your background...wow, sounds like you have a lot of relevant experience and would probably work well here however we're not willing/able/willing to pay you what you're actually worth so I'm just going to say 'entry level' at you a couple more times hoping that you'll say something stupid like 'oh yeah, sure, I'll take entry level pay' but it doesn't appear as if it's going to happen in this conversation so I'll call you back in a week hoping you're more desperate then."

I despise incompetence.

One would think that if you are a purveyor of vending machines that in turn purveys coffee (or rather a tinted liquid in a cup) that you would design said machines to dispense an amount of tinted liquid relative to the size of the receptacle. What I mean by this is an amount of liquid that sits a centimeter or so below the lip of the container thus minimizing the risk of spillage. NOT filling up the tinted liquid receptacle with exactly the same volume of tinted liquid as the receptacle, thus maximizing spillage. Then again, I don't blame the company for this. I blame society and all the cheap asses who would look at that cup and say "gosh darn it those less then kind folks at the tinted liquid vending machine company done cheated me on (Pi*h)/3*(d^2+db+b^2) ml of tinted liquid! I demand compensation of $435,327 for the pain and anguish I have had to endure knowing that my $0.65 cup of tinted liquid will be lacking (Pi*h)/3*(d^2+db+b^2) * x mg of caffeine, where x is the concentration of caffeine in the specific variety of tinted liquid I have selected, which will impact my performance and cause me great suffering!"

The Japanese got it right. Soft shell crabs in a vending machine? Hellz yeah! And I bet they don't overflow. When put your hard earned Yen in that vending machine you know it's going to fill that soft shell crab receptacle up to a reasonable level in order to minimize spillage. And a Japanese person would understand this! Why? BECAUSE THEY DO THEIR BEST! WHO DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING?! Also: pod hotels.

This "coffee" tastes like warm water with a hint of crap. Just a hint mind you. Don't want to overpower the delicate bouquet of the warm water.

I'll come clean: I had to look up the volume of a frustum.